


The Odd Chronicles of Severus Snape

by Living_Free



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Divergence, Crack, Fluff, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Humour, Mpreg, Multi, Snape gets friends, a baby Snape, but would really like to be left alone, thank you, to shag his boyfriend, werewolf pregnancies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-05-01 17:37:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14525778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: Various snapshots of the life of Severus Snape, ex-Death Eater, Spy, Potions Master, and somehow, everyone’s favorite professor in a universe where everyone is just a tad more reasonable and a lot more silly.Also, what in Merlin’s tattered balls is Potter doing in his house and eating his food again, didn’t he just update the wards to exclude specky little gits?





	1. Chapter 1

**1\. Periods**

There were several times in a day where Severus Snape would question his decision to accept Dumbledore’s offer of a teaching position. It came with a mastery course in potions, which was endlessly appealing, but it also came with three eleven year old girls who had just arrived at Hogwarts and had gotten their very first period.

Snape faced the afflicted Slytherin first years and sighed heavily. “This,” he said, brandishing a tiny, folded, cotton square, “is a pad. It will catch the blood that your uterus is shedding. You wear it in your underwear.”

The three girls all reached for a pad and eyed them dubiously. Then, one of the girls looked up at Snape with large, baleful eyes. “Will they also stop the stomach pains?”

Oh lordy.

“No. You may take a pain potion for that.”

“So we’re not going to die?” Another girl piped up.

“No, you will not. You will live long, happy, lives, which will be interrupted once a month to shed your endometrial lining. You may use that time to be as maudlin as you would like to be about your lives, and no one may judge you for it.”

“Boys don’t get periods, do they?” The last girl asked bitterly.

“No, we do not,” Snape said, shuddering.

“Then how come you know so much about it?” The same girl asked.

Snape’s eye twitched as he recalled his childhood, where he had found his mothe disposing of her bloodstained pad, and had started crying, thinking that mommy was going to die. Fast forward a few years later, and Snape recalled several years spent at Lily Evan’s side, feeding her chocolate and giving her hot water bottles while she whined about he infuriating antics of James Potter.

“I am a worldly wise man,” Snape replied. “Very, very, wise.”

“Wiser than the Headmaster?”

“Definitely,” Snape snorted.

The girls took his word and trooped out of his office, leaving Snape alone to contemplate his life. There was a great deal of pain, grief, and years spent drowning in bitter memories of a lif once lived, but if there was one thing Severus Snape could be grateful for, it was that he had never had a period.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

**2\. Father Complexes**

Despite appearances to the contrary, Severus Snape did not hate children. In fact, he quite liked some of them.

Case in point: Draco Malfoy.

It was hard not to grow to like the boy you had helped to raise from infancy, in large part due to the fact that the boy’s own father was a no-good lout. Narcissa had once joked that in an alternate timeline, she and Severus would have married.

The thought of partaking in Narcissa’s genitalia scared Severus witless, even if said genitalia did belong to his best friend.

But back to the point, Severus very much liked Draco, and saw the intelligent and precocious young man as something akin to his nephew. When Draco entered Hogwarts, he showed an affinity for potions, and Severus took great joy in explaining several complicated theories to the boy.

After one such effervescent discussion about the side effects of the restorative draught, Snape noticed that he was keeping the boy from lunch time. “Off you pop, Draco,” Snape said, ruffling the boy’s hair. “If you can show me that you’ve improved your charms scores, then I may even show you how to brew the draught of living death.”

Draco’s face brightened with childlike glee and he bounced off with a cheery, “Thanks, dad!”

At that moment, the world stopped spinning and all colour was sapped from it as Draco ground to a halt and Severus dropped his ink pot in surprise. Realization dawned slowly upon the pair, and Draco let out a wail of horror and raced out of the dungeons, screaming that he would have to throw himself in the lake.

Severus sat back down shakily, the prospect of hypothetical fatherhood jarring him. In all honesty, it wasn’t quite so bad, he mused. Perhaps if Lucius were to jog off the mortal coil, he could take a more active role in Draco’s upbringing.

“Sir! Sir!” Blaise Zabini ran into the classroom, “Draco’s thrown himself into the lake again!”

Severus sighed and went to fetch his long fishing net that he kept on hand for overdramatic Slytherins. Perhaps one day, he mused, he would impart unto Draco the fatherly wisdom of not throwing yourself to the mercy of the giant squid for every perceived humiliation.

Especially if the other party didn’t see it as such.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

**3\. Remus Fucking Lupin**

Damn Dumbledore. Damn the Defense teaching position vacancy. Damn the stupidly cute werewolf filling said vacancy.

Damn, damn, damn!

Severus grumbled to himself as he knocked on Remus Lupin’s door with a dose of Wolfsbane. Who had given a Lupin the permission to become so stupidly handsome? And didn’t he know not to be so friendly, always asking him to pass the jam, please, Severus, or passing him in the morning and smiling at him with a good morning, Severus, or would you like a cookie, Severus? I made them this morning, Severus.

Back to the present, and Remus Lupin opened the door with his stupid smile plastered over his stupid face. “Oh, thank you, Severus, I really appreciate this,” he said genuinely.

“Hrmph,” Severus grunted and thrust the bottle of medicine at Lupin.

Remus took it from Severus’ hands and as he made to step away, stumbled woozily. “Oh!” he gasped, clutching his head as he stumbled dizzily, and pitched forwards-

Straight into Severus’ arms.

Now, Snape had his arms full of dizzy, warm, Remus Lupin, whose hair that smelled like lemon verbena was pressed into Snape’s nose, and his head lying against Snape’s shoulder.

DAMN.

“L- Lupin!” Severus cried in alarm.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Severus, it’s just that I’m a bit weak this month,” Remus said, bracing himself with his damned hand against Severus’ chest. “Thank you for catching me,” he said, blinking stupidly soulful amber eyes at Snape.

At that moment, Albus Dumbledore chose to round the corner and smile stupidly at the scene in front of him. “Ah, I am so glad to see you two gents finally embracing your feelings for each other,” he said idiotically. “To be quite honest, the mutual pining was getting a bit much. Being a legilimens is such a chore, sometimes. Well, toodle-oo!” He crowed, and skipped away merrily, as though he had not just shattered Severus’ mental barriers.

“Severus?” Remus asked breathily, looking up at him through his stupidly long eyelashes, his delicate hands still lingering lightly on Severus’ chest.

Well, hot damn.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

**4\. Your Boyfriend’s Best Friend**

“I’m a free man, Moony!” Sirius cheered as he exited the courtroom where Peter Pettigrew was being led away to Azkaban. “And its all thanks to you and Harry!”

“And Severus,” Remus said, wrapping his hands around Snape’s arm and looking up at him adoringly. “If he hadn’t come down to give me my dose of wolfsbane that night, I may have transformed, and Merlin only knows what could have happened then.”

“Hmph,” Severus huffed, but did not shake Remus’ hands off.

Sirius looked between Severus and Remus dubiously. “Uh, sure. Well, thanks, Snape.”

“Hmph.”

“What’re you going to do now, Sirius?” Remus asked.

Sirius brightened up. “First, I’m going to sell grimmauld place and become even more filthily rich than I already am. Then, I’ll buy a house next to yours, and I’ll gain custody of Harry. We’ll be a happy family again, it’ll be great!”

“Oh, that’s wonderful!” Remus beamed. “When you buy a house, remember that I live in Cokeworth, now, in Spinner’s End.”

“You don’t live in Hogwarts?” Sirius asked, confused.

“Oh, no,” Remus blushed. “I resigned my teaching position. I’d much rather do editing work from home and keep house for Severus,” he said, turning to Snape with an angelic smile that made Snape’s stomach do an annoying, wriggling, jig.

“Quite,” Severus said shortly. “Shall we go?”

Sirius plopped in between them and swung an arm around each of their shoulders, much to Severus’ horror. “Lets go home!”

Oh no.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

**5\. You Boyfriend’s Best Friend’s Godson, Who Is Now Also Your Godson, Somehow.**

Severus Snape had not actively wanted children, but somehow, there was a thirteen-soon-to-be-fourteen-year-old Harry Potter sat in his favorite armchair, in Severus’ (and Remus’) living room in Spinner’s End.

“Hi, Professor Snape,” Harry greeted him shyly. “Thanks for having me over.”

“You live ten steps away from my house. I have to see your blighted face everyday, Potter, I may as well cut to the chase and allow you into my home.”

“Neat,” Harry grinned. “I came over to help Remus with dinner. Sirius has to prep for his new job, so he sent me over.”

Somehow, Black had swaggered charmingly into a teaching position at Hogwarts, teaching the new elective course on Cursebreaking, as had been his profession before his unfortunate imprisonment. Every girl and every boy who had ever had a slightly homosexual thought in his life had signed up for it immediately when they saw the dashing man who would be teaching it. Remus’ home cooking had done wonders for Black’s physique and mood.

“I like my tomato soup shaken, not stirred,” Severus directed the boy, who giggled. “Now get to it.” As he watched the blighted Potter waddle over to the kitchen and hug Lupin, who stupidly hugged back, Severus could not help but feel not-poorly towards the boy who helped to make his dinner on practically a nightly basis.

If only you could see us now, Lily, Snape mused. Look at me, protecting your son.

Snape stumbled back in horror, realizing that he had felt fondness for Harry. Merlin’s wrinkly scrotum! Snape shuddered and made a note to trip Black up on his way home. Feeling that balance had been restored once more, Severus retreated into his study and waited until he could hear Remus’ dulcet tones calling him to dinner.

“Ah, casserole,” Severus said appreciatively, before looking up and souring his mood. “Darling?” he called.

“Yes, Sev?”

“Why is Potter sitting across from me?”

“He’s eating with us, Sev.”

“Remus, when I look up from my meals, I want to see and talk to the man that I love. Not the neighbor boy.”

Harry gagged dramatically at the mention of love like the juvenile that he was.

“Harry, move over a seat,” Remus directed the boy, who plopped himself now right beside Snape.

“This is not an improvement,” Snape groused, but settled in once Remus had sat down across from him.

After dinner, Snape attempted dirty-talk, but was shut down when Remus amusedly pointed out that Harry was still over, and had made himself at home by falling asleep on the couch. Severus levitated the boy into the guest room, grumbling the entire time, before he could safely attempt to indulge in some nasty activities with Remus once more.

After said nastiness had been accomplished, and Remus had fallen asleep, Severus got out of bed to get a glass of water. He meandered into the kitchen, only to find it occupied by a sleepy Potter who was helping himself to some orange juice. Upon seeing Severus walk in dressed only in his pajama bottoms, Harry squeaked, covered his eyes, and blushed.

“Potter, you live in a boy’s dorm. Surely you have seen male nipples before,” Snape drawled.

“Ugh, but you’re a professor,” Harry stressed. “Those are professor nips!”

“Sev, what’s wrong?” Remus said, joining the party, equally shirtless.

“Eep!” Harry cried, blushed a deep red, and scurried all the way home. Remus watched through the window until Harry was safely inside, and then smiled at Severus.

“Poor thing,” he chuckled.

“He’s gone, Remus,” Severus breathed happily, “not to return until tomorrow, most probably.”

“You sound far too happy about traumatizing Harry,” Remus said lightly.

“It’s the Slytherin in me,” Snape grinned. “We love terrorizing you Gryffindors.”

True to his word, Severus spent the rest of the night terrorizing his boyfriend’s arse, like the evil Slytherin that he was.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

**6\. Stupid Malfoys**

“You WHAT!”

“Sev, no!”

Remus darted forward to shield a cowering Draco Malfoy from being swatted by Severus’ rolled up newspaper. “Sev, don’t hit him!”

“Didn’t you hear what he just said! You imbecile boy-!” Snape took another swat and this time, connected with Draco’s hiney.

“Ouch!”

“Sev! Stop it!” Remus said, plucking the newspaper out of his boyfriend’s hands. “He’s just a boy! He didn’t do this on purpose!”

“He- he took the dark mark!” Snape spat. “He’s got that horrible spot on his arm forever now! Don’t you realize what this means?”

“He would’ve killed my mother!” Draco sobbed. “That git would’ve killed mum, and he was already mad enough to kill the both of us if I hadn’t voluteered-“

“For this utter stupidity! Kill Dumbledore? What were you- I can’t even- How did you- Remus!” Severus cried out for the one shred of sanity in his life.

Thankfully, said sanity answered. “Sev, calm down. Draco, go into the kitchen and get some tea going, please. We’ll have to sort this out calmly.” Remus then proceeded to send a patronus to Sirius across the street telling him to come over.

Within seconds, Sirus had popped over with Harry, both looking panicked and with wands drawn. “What happened?”

“Draco Malfoy happened,” Remus replied. “He’s hyperventilating in the kitchen. Sirius, you come with me and calm him down, Harry, you get your uncle Sev something strong to settle his nerves.”

“Cognac’s in the top drawer,” Severus muttered.

“Nerve tonic only,” Remus said severely, before dragging Sirius away. “Join us when you’re ready.”

As the evening progressed, Draco had another freak out about Harry having appeared seemingly out of nowhere, and after that was settled, the whole story came pouring out of him in gasps and tears.

“That foul git!” Draco sobbed, “That stupid, noseless, foreskin replica wants to kill me with this fart-arsed mission! And he’s taken over my house! He killed Gummy!”

“Who’s Gummy?” Harry asked.

“My old house elf nanny!” Draco cried.

“Oh, sorry,” Harry said sympathetically, patting Draco’s shoulder. “But Professor Snape love you too, you know.”

“We will have to play this smartly,” Snape spoke up. “Draco, we will help you. You are to pretend to let the Death Eaters into the castle, but it will in actuality be an amubush. During that, you and your mother will fake your deaths and disappear. The Order members will bring you back here.”

“What about you?” Sirius asked Snape angrily. “You can’t get killed in the battle and leave Moony a widow!”

“I’m not going to widow anyone, you fool,” Snape bit out, “I’m a spy, remember? I’ll report Draco and Narcissa’s ‘deaths’ to the Dark Lord and do some more spying.”

“Don’t worry, Malfoy,” Harry said comfortingly, “we’ll make sure you’re alright. And we’ll kill as many slimy Death Eaters as possible.”

“Please do,” Draco said, blowing his nose loudly.

“Draco, you’ll stay with us for the rest of the holidays,” Severus said. “Your mind is compromised and is vulnerable to the Dark Lord’s legilimency. Gather your thoughts and head straight to Hogwarts with Harry. Once there, behave normally and await our instructions.”

After the meeting was over, and Draco was taken to Black and Potter’s home, Severus let out an almighty sigh. “Children,” he groaned, “are the worst.”

“Would you feel different if it were ours?” Remus asked.

“Our child would never be so stupid as the ones living next door, now,” Severus replied.

Remus gave an enigmatic smile. “That’s good to know,” he said, before turning away to clear the table.

Severus watched his boyfriend work, the gears of his mind churning. The next morning, he would look up werewolf pregnancies. 


	2. Chapter 2

7\. Student Gender and Sexuality Crises

Not even the rise of the Dark Lord could deter a teenager’s angst, apparently. Severus stared at Marian Eddles, a particularly tiny third year Slytherin girl, who was struggling not to cry, and sighed. 

“Miss Eddles, why have you been stealing the third year boy’s uniform trousers from the Slytherin laundry room?” Snape asked, realizing how utterly ridiculous he sounded. Such was the life of a school teacher. 

“I don’t want to wear the skirt, sir,” Marian replied boldly. 

“Miss Eddles, the uniform dress code-“

“Is dumb!” Marian exploded. “I don’t want to wear a skirt, and I shouldn’t have to! Jason Drake and Dickie Wayne don’t have to-“

“-because they are boys-“

“Well so am I!” 

Severus’ arguments came grinding to halt. “What?”

In lieu of a reply, Marian burst into tears. “Y-you won’t understand!” She sobbed. “No one does!”

Snape dropped his head into his hands. “Mis- er, Marian. Are you a male or a female?” More tears. Snake cleared his throat and tried again. “Marian. Do you think that you are male or female?”

Marian sniffled. “I’m...a boy, sir.”

Oh goody. 

“May I safely assume that you are transgendered, then, Marian?” Snape asked. Marian nodded, looking at Snape as though he was Merlin reincarnated. 

“Yessir,” Marian said, nodding so that their dark ringlets bounced violently. “I’ve always been a bloke, sir, it’s just that these-“ here Marian gestured to their breasts, “popped out. I’ve even tried vanishing them, but nothing works!”

“One cannot simply vanish one’s breasts, Marian,” Snape said testily, and golly, he’d never imagined having to say those words in his life. “As you are a male in a female body, I shall endeavor to accommodate your choices. Do you feel safe in moving into the boys dorm?”

Marian brightened. “Yes sir! Dickie and Jason are my best friends, and Dorcas Umber is running short on trousers, he’d be really glad to have his back.”

“Very well,” Snape said, standing. “Pack your things, you will be moving to the boys dorms. Oh, and twenty points from Slytherin.”

“Why, sir!?”

“For stealing Mister Umbers’ trousers and the sheer stupidity of trying to vanish your breasts,” Snape said pointedly, making Marian blush. “You were lucky you didn’t take your head off with that spell. Go and see Madam Pomfrey for a more reasonable solution.”

Marian squeaked happily and jumped in place. “Thankyouthankyouthankyousir!”

“Don’t hug me,” Snape warned, holding out a hand to the little boy’s head to preempt the hug. “I shan’t stand for it.”

“I need to go and tell Dickie that I’m moving in!” Marian gasped. “I can finally be myself! I can cut my hair! I’m going to get a fade! I can make fart jokes!”

“Do not be crass, Eddles,” Snape grumbled. “You are a Slytherin, and Slytherins do not make fart jokes.”

“I can change my name!” 

This gave Snape pause. “And what shall be your new name, formerly-Marian?”

“...Mario!” 

“Inspired,” Snape sighed. “Very well. From hereonin, you shall be Mario Eddles. Now go away.”

The newly christened Mario Eddles ran out of Snape’s office, excited to tell his friends Dickie and Jason about his new self, and presumably to make fart jokes. 

Later, when Snape went home and kicked Sirius out and told Remus about his day over dinner, his boyfriend smiled at him.

“What?” Snape glaring over his bowl of french onion soup.

“Severus Snape,” Remus grinned, “you are just the sweetest man in the world.”

Snape sputtered indignantly. “Well, I-! How dare- just...eat your dinner.”

Remus just continued to smile. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

9\. Student Gossip

The war was over at long last, and life was able to return to normal at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. 

Severus practically flung the Headmaster title at Minerva before running home to shag his boyfriend into the mattress before the new semester started again. Frankly, after the stress of the past year, he think he bloody well deserved a good roll in the sheets. Thankfully, Remus was all too happy to oblige him. 

All too soon, school started up again, and Severus resigned himself to another year with Potter and Black sashaying around the castle like the stupidly happy cows that they were. To add to his headache, someone (Minerva) had seen fit to house the returning eighth years in a separate dorm and appoint Severus as their head of house, along with his usual head of Slytherin duties.

It was going to be a long year. 

One night, Severus caught wind of the eighth years throwing a party, and in true Snape fashion, oozed upstairs to break up the fun. Only, when he reached the dorms, he decided to engage in a little spying, born out of habit by this point.

The eighth years were seated in a circle, playing what seemed to be a hybrid of spin the bottle and truth or dare. The bottle spun and landed on Harry, and Dean Thomas crowed with laughter. “Truth or dare, Harry?”

“Dare. I tend to repress dark truths about myself,” Harry said, the quintessential Brit.

“Fine. Who do you think is the hottest professor?” Dean smirked. 

“Ooh, Professor Black is smoking,” Parvati sighed dreamily. 

“Gross, Parv, he’s family,” Harry gagged. “I’ve always thought...” he trailed off, looking sheepish. 

“Go on,” Hermione egged him on evilly. 

“Well, don’t you think Snape’s fit looking?” Harry asked. From his corner, Severus nearly had a heart attack. “He’s got that brooding, dark goth vibe going...”

“Ew, mate!” Ron spat. “It’s Snape!”

“Objectively speaking, Ron,” Harry said, “he’s quite good looking.” At this, several others in the group murmured their agreement much to Severus’ horror, including Theodore Nott, Terry Boot, Millicent Bulstrode, Lavender Brown, Ernie Macmillan, and Susan Bones. 

“Ugh, that’s dank, mate,” Ron said, scrunching up his nose. “Snape’s just so...Snapey.”

“You’re barmy, Potter,” Draco sniffed. “Of the pair of them, I’ve always thought that Lupin was more decent looking.”

Severus very nearly punched the boy he’d helped to raise. 

“Lupin and Snape should have kids,” Pansy said. “They’d have great babies.”

“Snape’s nose on a baby,” Seamus Finnigan shuddered. “Someone obliviate me.”

The group devolved into laughter at that, and Snape left, seething, and vowed to dock points the next day. 

But first...he had to plan his revenge. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

It took several months, but one day, the opportunity presented itself. 

It was Easter break, and once again, Harry was over at Snape’s house. No matter how much he tried to banish Potter to his own house, the boy just kept coming back, like a stubborn wart. Today, Potter was puttering about in the kitchen with Draco, who had somehow decided that he, too, would inflict himself upon Severus’ house.

Remus was delighted, of course, the fool. 

When they sat down to tea, Harry plopped down gracelessly between Remus and Severus, practically cuddling Remus like he was some sort of affection-starved niffler. Remus, of course, was thrilled. 

“Really, Potter,” Severus sniffed, “you change your affections quicker than a crup choosing between a stick and a ball. Just last month, you’d set your heart on me. I have to admit that I’m slightly hurt.”

Harry jumped violently in shock, while Severus took a calm sip of his tea and grinned into his cup. Revenge was sweet. Very, very, sweet. Not even Remus looking scoldingly at him could mar this moment of sheer happiness. 

This might even become his new patronus memory.

“And don’t you go sitting too close to Remus either, young Draco,” Snape warned, making Draco fall over in his seat. “I’m a rather possessive man.”

Both boys blushed the colour of beets before running out of the house in horror. “Really, Sev,” Remus scolded him, “did you have to do that?”

“Don’t rain on my parade,” Snape sighed blissfully. “Who knows? This might even get those two out of the house for good.” It turned out to be wishful thinking. Harry would be back the next day, following Remus around like a puppy, and Draco the day after that, bugging Snape for potions tips. But in the present, Severus was not to know that.

“Didn’t you ever have a crush on one of our teachers?” Remus asked. 

“Sure. Minerva was quite good looking in her youth. You’d have to have been blind to not notice.”

Remus giggled. “That’s funny, Sirius noticed her too. That’s why he’d always act up in transfiguration, to get detention with her.”

“How dare you imply that Black and I have the same preferences,” Snape growled. “I clearly have superior taste,” he said, rubbing his thumb over the palm of Lupin’s hand affectionately.

“I’m not complaining,” Remus giggled, leaning into his boyfriend. 

And for once, no matter how briefly, Severus Snape’s house was empty of Potters and Malfoys, his heart was full, and life was good. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

10\. The Assistant

It was rare that Severus Snape was ever in what one would describe to be a “jolly” mood, but the fumes of brewing a cheerfulness potion could mellow even the sourest of moods. Severus was humming his favorite song and finishing up the potion, when a familiar but unwanted voice broke his happy reverie. 

“Are you humming the Beatles?”

Snape turned around, his previous cheer gone. “Potter! What are you doing here?”

Harry smiled like the imp that he was. “Looking for you. Remus said that you’d be in here.”

“Why did you wish to seek me out? Surely your crush has not led you here to seduce me.”

Harry rolled his eyes at the comment. “I never had a crush on you, it was just teenage banter. I was actually hoping that you’d give me some career counselling.”

That gave Snape pause. “You could just as well go to Remus or Black for that.”

“Yeah...” Harry dithered, “but they’re Defense experts. I’m not looking into that field.”

“Truly?” Snape asked, surprised. “I would have thought that Defense was a sure thing with you. After all, what does the slayer of the Dark Lord do with the rest of his life?”

“Heal people!” Harry beamed. “I want to be a healer, and I need a potions NEWT for that. I was hoping that I could get some advice from you,” Harry hedged. 

Severus studied the boy before him carefully before replying, “You want potions advice,” he repeated slowly, “for your NEWT.” Harry nodded like an eager crup, his shaggy hair bouncing around his overly skinny face. Snape sighed. “As much as it pains me to say this, Potter, you are not completely without talent in potions. In fact, you are currently averaging with an E grade in my classes.”

Harry grinned toothily. “I’d really like to make it to an O, though. St. Mungo’s obviously prefers candidates with a higher grade.”

Severus sighed heavily, casting a weary glance at his cluttered workstation. “...I could use an assistant, I suppose.”

Harry whooped and surged forwards like a horde of happy bunnies. “Thanks, Professor Snape! You won’t regret this!”

“Too late,” Snape grumbled. “You can start by peeling the toad’s eyes.” 

And that was how Severus Snape ended up with an assistant that he really could have done without.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

11\. Pregnancy

Children, Severus Snape could handle. As Head of Slytherin, he had had to nurse ouchies, deal with homesickness, physical sickness, mental illness, sexuality crises, tears, curses, and even students nursing inappropriate crushes on him. Children, he could deal with. 

Babies were a whole other ballgame.

“Severus, did you hear me? I’m pregnant,” Remus stressed. 

“I heard,” Severus grumbled. “You’re pregnant with our sprog. Have you thought about how it’s going to come out of you?” He asked, looking at Remus’ (rather fine) arse with some panic. 

“Werewolves have accelerated healing,” Remus said. “You’ll have to cut my abdomen open.”

The discourse had to take a pause there, when Severus excused himself to throw up. After he had returned, he found Remus looking amused. 

“Really, Sev, it won’t be that bad,” he soothed. “Are you worried?”

“Worried? No, of course not,” Severus said. “After all, which child won’t want an ex-death eater with an oblong nose and dour personality for a father?”

Remus looked sympathetic. “Sev,” he said softly, “your past doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve more than paid your dues. And you’ve been such a wonderful influence on your students. Not to mention-“

“Don’t say it!”

“Harry-“

“Argh!”

“Hi guys!”

Speak of the devil. Harry popped in, as though summoned. “What’s going on?”

Remus beamed. “Harry, you’re just the man we need. Severus would be a good father, don’t you think?”

Harry stilled, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. “Er...yeah? I guess?” He coughed delicately before asking, “Why? Are you guys planning to have a baby?”

“It’s unplanned, but it’s certainly still happening,” Severus said, glancing warily at Remus’ stomach. 

Harry whooped with joy. “That’s great you guys! I’m so happy for you!” He surged forwards to hug Remus, then turned to Snape and hesitated. 

“Touch me and die, Potter.”

Harry stopped mid lunge and fell into a graceless bow. “Um...I’m going to tell Sirius! He’ll be thrilled!” With that, Harry hopped back home, brimming with good cheer. 

Once he had left, Remus turned to Severus uncertainly. “Sev? Are you having second thoughts about this?” he asked, gesturing between them. 

Snape snorted inelegantly. “I’m a very decisive man, Remus, I don’t need to second guess myself. With regards to the baby, I shall have to do some work.” Severus placers a light kiss on his partner’s cheek and left with a swish of his cloak, a man on a mission. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Later that evening, Remus went up to the bedroom to find Severus deeply engrossed in a book titled “Fatherhood 101: How to raise a child without having your past sins and trauma eclipse your relationship with them”. On the nightstand were more volumes, titled, “How to encourage your baby to be a potioneer” and “Anti-Emetic brews for werewolves Up the duff”.

After Remus was done with him, Severus did not have enough energy left to read that night. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

12\. Potter

Severus watched carefully as Harry carefully stirred the potion in front of him, his tongue poking out between his teeth as he concentrated on his task. Severus chanced a look at the wolfsbane in the cauldron, and despite his keen searching, could not spot a mistake. 

Damn. 

Potter has grown into a reasonably good potioneer during his apprenticeship to Severus. And coming from Severus, that was high praise indeed. Severus shifted his gaze from the potion to the brewer, and scrutinized the young man before him. Potter’s skill with potions was not the only thing that had grown in the past few years. 

Ever since the boy had moved to Spinner’s End with his blasted godfather, Potter had blossomed into a young man brimming with energy, good-will, and Gryffindor dedication. Severus wondered how much the boy had been stunted with the Dursleys to have changed so remarkably once free of them. 

With Black and Remus as his family, Harry had learned to laugh, make merry, and just be...a boy. Over the years as a neighbor to the Potter-Black household, Severus had learned many things about the boy. 

Potter liked gardening.

Potter maintained his front lawn so that there was a riot of colour all through the year. The flowers grew wild and untamed, arching around the house and inching cheeky vines across the house’s wooden frames. Most mornings, Severus could spot a head of dark, tousled, hair bobbing in and out of the bushes, tending to the plants. 

(2) Potter liked gnomes. 

Potter thought that the sentient potato imitations that lived in his garden were adorable. He had gone so far as to name the beasts - Dan the gnome and his partner in crime, Phil the gnome. Potter often left them milk and buscuits, which Severus was not above pilfering. 

(3) Potter made heavenly biscuits. 

Butter pecan. Strawberry shortbread. Jam sandwich creams. Vanilla wafers. Buttery, chocolatey, melt in your mouth bits of heaven. 

Damn Potter.

(4) Potter made friends with a baby grass snake.

He carried the baby grass snake in his shirt pocket and named it Andronicus. The damn creature was adorable, and together, the boy and his snake were the hit of the town, and No, Remus, they are not adorable, shut up.

(5) Potter Called him Dad once

It was terrible. 

It didn’t even occur to Severus that he had become a father-figure to the boy. However, when you looked at their dynamic, it could not be more plain. The boy treated Remus like his mother, constantly hugging and receiving gentle smiles that should hav been reserved for Severus only. Black was more like a boisterous older brother - loud, reckless, and always looking to make Potter happy. 

That, of course, left Severus to be the father.

The night that it happened, Potter caught himself and looked at Snape, the both of them frozen in shock. Snape ended the lesson early and had to take a fortifying drop of brandy to settle his nerves. 

“...Professor?”

Severus was jerked out of his reverie at Harry’s voice. “Huh? Oh, potion. Yes. Quite. I say. Ahem.” Severus looked down, and felt his heart deflate at the perfect brew. “Passable. Clear down and go away.”

Harry looked questioningly at Snape, but did not voice his doubts, and soon biffed off back home. Alone in his dungeon, Severus sank into his chair to continue his reverie. 

His experiences with the younger Potter all pointed to one thing - fondness. Severus shuddered. Somehow, the boy’s constant presence had roused his latent paternal instincts. Severus walked into his living room in a bit of a daze and his eyes fell on his now very pregnant boyfriend. Severus surveyed the protrusion of Remus’ belly and imagined his son or daughter nestled inside. 

It was...pleasant. 

“Sev, you’re smiling,” Remus observed. “What’s up?”

“Nothing yet,” Severus said, eyeing the bulge. Then, “What do you think it is?”

“I think it’s a girl,” Remus opined. “I thought Harriet might be a nice name.”

“Disgusting,” Severus shuddered. 

“Who do you want to name as godparents?” Remus giggled. 

“Minerva for godmother,” Severus said immediately. The woman would have his balls if she wasn’t named. 

“That’s perfect,” Remus beamed. “And godfather? I was thinking-“

“Not Potter.”

“-Harry,” Remus frowned. “It makes sense, Sev. He’s over here all the time, he’s your assistant, he’s going to be a healer, and he loves babies.”

Severus balked at the idea of having Harry integrate himself even further into his life, but relented at Remus’ logic. He looked out of the window and saw the blighted Potter conversing with his gnome friends in the garden, tempting them with delicious biscuits that really should have been in Severus’ tummy. 

“Potter’s fine.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

13\. The Baby

Eleanor Harriet Lupin-Snape was born at five thirty in the morning, with ten finger, ten toes, itty-bitty claws, and a fluffy tail that the healers rushed to surgically remove. Severus thought that she was the most beautiful person he had ever laid eyes on, and for once, he and Harry were in complete agreement. 

To Severus’ everlasting pain, Eleanor loved snuggling with Padfoot, and Snape had to put up with the hairy beast in his house more than ever. The other hairy beast - Potter - had taken to his role of godfather with gusto, and frequently popped over after his hospital shifts to help take care of his godbaby. 

With Potter usually came the Weasley, the Granger, and curiously, the Malfoy. Severus made a mental note to keep an eye on Draco and Potter’s growing closeness. There was also Molly Weasley, who came bearing baby clothes and food - so much food! - and with instruction manuals to induce lactation in male werewolves. 

There was also Minerva, who brought over educational toys, and Albus, who loved the idea of having a grandchild without having had to go through the process of raising his own children. Severus wondered who he considered his son of the two of them. When he had asked, Remus had shook his head fondly and muttered about “oblivious Slytherins”. 

Then there was Narcissa and Andromeda, his Slytherin friends, who loved the idea of a baby girl to pamper and dress up and take to their high teas and luncheons to show off to their friends. 

The idea that he now had a family came as a slap to the face for Severus one morning. “Oh, I say,” Severus mused, “how buggeringly odd.”

“What’s odd?” Remus asked. 

“These people,” Severus gestured at all the aforementioned characters now occupying his living room, “infesting our house and occupying our baby’s time. Who do they think they are, family?”

Remus looked closely at his foolish husband. “Yes, Sev. Family.”

“Oh,” Severus said, reeling back as though he had been slapped. “Well. That is to say. Quite. Hm. By Jove.”

Remus snickered at Severus’ plight. Just then, Narcissa barged through. “Severus, I am taking the baby to my luncheon with Andromeda for a touch of class.“

“There are bottles of milk in the fridge,” Remus said. “They’re charmed to be just the right temperature.”

“That’s fine,” Narcissa said, and whisked her sister and Eleanor away. 

Draco looked after his mother suspiciously. “She wanted a daughter, I just know it.”

“Well, I think you’re fine just as you are,” Harry provided kindly. 

“Why, thank you, Potter,” Draco said, surprised. 

“Just telling the truth,” Harry said coyly. 

Oh Lord, Severus thought. A Potter-Malfoy hybrid would be too terrible to contemplate. It may even be the harbinger of the apocalypse. 

“Remus,” he hissed, “they’re going to have relations!”

“That’s nice, dear,” Remus hummed inattentively. 

“Potter! Draco! Do not shag in my house!” Snape warned. 

“We won’t!” Harry promised, sounding entirely insincere.

“Come, Potter,” Draco said imperiously, “let us shag at your place.” Draco dragged Harry out, and Severus did a little jig of glee to be rid of the two young adults. He shoved Weasley and Granger out the door next, and by the time his house was free of the various Weasleys, professors, and Sirius, Severus was properly knackered. 

“Oof,” Severus groaned in exhaustion, “they’re gone at last.”

“They’ll be back tomorrow, Sev,” Remus grinned. “Isn’t it lovely?”

Severus felt hs gorge rising, but settled for the age old answer given by every husband in earth. 

“Yes, dear.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

14\. Potter’s Pregnancy

Severus woke up in the middle of the night to the other side of the bed being cold and empty, bereft of his beloved. Grumbling, Severus made his way into the kitchen, where Remus was most probably feeding Eleanor. He stumbled into the kitchen, scratching his tummy, and stopped short at the sight of Potter infesting his dining area. 

“Remus.”

“Yes, Sev?”

“Why is Potter here at,” here Severus paused to look at the clock, “two thirty in the morning?”

“I needed to talk to Remus,” Harry said quietly, with none of his usual energy.

“I see. And this could not have waited for the light of day, when people are properly awake? I swear, Potter, sometimes I have half a mind to-“

“I might be pregnant.”

“-spray you with slug repellent just to make sure that you’ll actually- I beg your fucking pardon?”

Harry looked so dour that he could have given Severus a run for his money. “I might be pregnant with Draco’s baby.”

“I was making a pregnancy test potion,” Remus said, gesturing to the pot on the boil. “We’re just waiting for it to cool so that we can test Harry’s blood.”

Severus felt his knees tremble, before he felt a familiar rage flooding through him. “You- you stupid, hump-happy, hormonally-fueled dingbats!” Severus yelled. “What were you thinking!? Have you not heard of protection charms? Did you never stop to consider that having a child out of wedlock would impact your future, before gobbling Draco’s cock like a greedy flobberworm?”

Remus smothered a snort of laughter, and even Harry looked a tad amused. “Oral doesn’t get you pregnant, professor,” Harry clarified. 

“I know that, you fool! I happen to have a child! With the man that I married!” Severus paused to take a breath, and Remus stood up. 

“The potion’s ready,” he announced. “Harry, give me a drop of your blood.”

The three men congregated around the pot before Severus noticed something. “Is Black not here?”

Harry shook his head. “I cant tell Sirius! He’d flip his lid!”

“I know Black is rather limited intellectually,” Severus said, ignoring Remus’ chastising hiss, “but surely even he would notice if his godson, who lives with him, starts carting around the equivalent of a large watermelon in his abdomen.”

“And they dare say that pregnancy is a magical time,” Harry muttered, adding a drop of his blood to the potion, waiting for it to go blue for a boy, or red for a girl. Instead, the potion turned purple. 

“Congratulations, Potter, you’re having a hermaphrodite.”

“Sev, stop it,” Remus hissed, before turning to Harry with an enormous grin, “it twins! A boy and a girl!”

Harry looked gobsmacked for a solid minute before his face split in the most beatific grin. “Twins,” he breathed, “I’m having twins!”

Remus hugged Harry tightly and cried happy tears, before turning to Severus, only to see that he had vanished. “Sev?” They walked into the living room to see Severus with his head in the fireplace. “Sev, who’re you calling?”

“Draco, who else?” Severus snapped. “I can’t yell at a pregnant person, so I’m going for the next best thing.” When Draco answered the floo call, and received the bollocking of a lifetime at three in the morning. 

The contents of said bollocking are considered too volatile for civilized ears and eyes, and are thus omitted from this retelling. Use your imaginations, if you must. 

Severus’ yelling woke both Narcissa and Lucius, the former of whom proceeded to have a stroke, but was immediately healed by his wife and the assiduous care of house elves. Then Lucius started yelling, because by Merlin’s great cock, I will not have bastard grandchildren, you must marry Potter immediately, Draco. Harry responded by saying that Lucius’ thinking was outdated, which led to a second stroke that was also promptly healed. 

By the wee hours of the morning, Draco had managed to calm his father, grope Harry through the fireplace, and assure everyone that yes, he was serious about a relationship with Harry and stepping up as the father of the twins. 

Narcissa was mainly focused on decorating the nursery, and was heartbroken when Draco informed her that his children would not grow up in the same house that Voldemort had polluted, and that he would be moving in with Harry and Sirius.

Lucius had a heart attack. 

It took Remus’ gentle but stern persuasion to get everyone back to bed, and let Harry get some rest. Severus gently kicked Harry back to his own house and sank down in his armchair like a drowning man. 

“Good grief,” Severus muttered, “its like we’re back at war again.”

“Surely you exaggerate, darling,” Remus said. 

“You have never been dress shopping with Narcissa. Tonight was just the first of many battles, Remus. The war is yet to come.”

“Sev-“

“There will be the battle of dress fitting over Potter’s disproportionately tiny torso. Then will be the battle of choosing the rings. Then the great clash over the seating arrangements, where I shall meet my demise. Don’t cry over me, Remus. You must soldier on.”

Remus burst out laughing and embraced his silly, dramatic, husband. “Sev, you goof. I know you - you’re secretly pleased about all of this.”

“Tchah!” Snape ejaculated. “Just you wait, the horde will descend upon us tomorrow - Weasleys will cause this house to overflow. It’s like they think that Potter lives here, in my house!”

Remus burst out laughing at the mental image of Severus fighting back hordes of affectionate gingers, then sighed. “Did you want a big wedding, Sev?”

“Circe, no,” Sev spat. “Why would I want to share the delight of your company with mounds of moronic muppets who would eat into our precious time together? No, I’m glad that we went to the registar’s office. Left more time for us to be together.”

“You mean shag each other senseless into the mattress until daybreak,” Remus grinned. 

“I rather enjoyed our intellectual conversation that night,” Severus said primly. 

“About which position allowed best penetration. Face it, Sev, you’re a sappy romantic,” Remus teased. 

“Only for you,” Severus replied swiftly, and was rewarded for his quick thinking with a shagging session that reached well into dawn.


	3. Chapter 3

15\. Potter’s Wedding

It was arguably the quickest that a wedding had been put together. Narcissa had risen to the occasion and had stolen Harry for dress fittings, cake testing, decor decisions, and other frivolous matters. 

And where Harry went, Severus also went, because Lord only knew what Potter would get up to without his stabilizing presence. 

Remus thought it was adorable. 

“Draco and I wanted to know if Eleanor could be the flower girl,” Harry said during the dress fitting appointment. 

“Fine, but I cannot promise that she won’t fall down once or twice down the aisle. She has only started to toddle, after all,” Severus snorted. 

“That’s fine,” Harry grinned. “Also, I was wondering if you’d-“

“Don’t-“

“-officiate the ceremony.”

Severus sighed heavily as Narcissa simpered, “Harry, that is such a sweet sentiment.”

“I was hoping you would speak at the wedding for me and Draco,” Harry said hesitantly. “You’ve become family over the years to me, and Draco already says that you’re his uncle. It would really mean a lot,” Harry added sincerely. 

Severus groaned and batted away Narcissa’s fingers that were pinching his thigh insistently. “Fine,” Severus gritted out. Public speaking - his sworn enemy. “I’ll do it.”

“Thank you, Professor,” Harry said, his eyes gleaming dangerously. Severus leaped up and dashed away to a safe distance, lest Potter’s pregnancy hormones overwhelm him to the point that he came in for an embrace. 

“I would have thought you would have liked Dumbledore to officiate the ceremony,” Severus mused. “After all, he is the greatest wizard in living memory.”

“Professor Dumbledore’s great,” Harry agreed, “but he’s more my mentor. He didn’t see me everyday, or watch me grow up, or eat dinner with me, or give me potions help and help me enroll into the healer program. You did that,” he said, “and really, you’ve done for me the stuff that a father would.”

Oh no he didn’t. 

Potter did not just call him his damn father. 

Overwhelmed by the swirl of emotions and horror of familial ties swooping in on him from all directions, Severus turned into a bat and flew away, all the way home where Remus had Dumbledore over for tea. Remus was surprised to see him home so early, but his surprise turned into peals of joyous laughter when he enlightened him on what had transpired. 

“Oh, Sev, that’s lovely! And you just flew away?”

“What else could I do!?” Snape thundered, pacing agitatedly. 

“Sev,” Remus said soothingly, “it’s an honour to be named a father. Harry thinks of you as family. And really, don’t you think Lily would have been so happy?”

Severus groaned. “Damn,” he said heatedly. 

“Family is a wonderful thing, Severus,” Dumbledore piped up. “We have had a second chance to build ours. I, for one, have been glad to grow mine.”

“Did Aberforth undergo binary fission?” Severus sneered.

Dumbledore twinkled. “No, Severus, I am referring to yourself,” the old coot said. “I consider you to be my son. That would make Harry and Eleanor my grandchildren, and Harry’s children my great grandchildren! What joy!”

Severus gaped like a large fish before flinging himself into the floo and transporting himself to Hogwarts, where he could sequester himself in his dungeon and not think about the possibility of being Severus Dumbledore. 

“More tea, Albus?” Remus asked politely. 

“Certainly,” Dumbledore beamed. “And do call me dad, Remus.”

The old man and his son-in-law chuckled, while farther away, the son questioned his grip on sanity.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

16\. Public Speaking

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Draco and Potter-“

“Sev!”

“-Harry, enter the bonds of matrimony precisely three months too late, after Draco knocked Potter up.”

“Merlin’s saggy jockstrap. Why did we think this was a good idea?”

“Silence, Weasley. Ten points from Gryffindor.” In Hogwarts, Gryffindor House became agitated as they inexplicably lost house points, and consequently, the house cup that year. “As I was saying, the grooms ought to have married prior to munching on each other’s privates-“

Minerva fainted. 

“-but at least they are doing this before the babies are born. Now, I hope you two understand the importance of a marriage. It brings together not only two individuals, but two families, and yes, their bank accounts.”

Lucius sobbed. 

“I expect the two of you to treat each other with nothing but the utmost respect and affection, the latter in the privacy of your own home. That’s right - your home, not mine. There will be no stubbornness or foolish declarations made in anger, because I refuse to house one of you on my sofa. Use your marriage to build your own little paradise away from the insanity of the world, and turn to each other in times of support. Contact Remus only if absolutely necessary.”

Remus beamed. 

“Be open with your spouse, for they will love you unconditionally. Revel not only each other’s goodness and in the good times, and he prepared to fight through the shit times together. Love each other’s good qualities, but also learn to love the other’s quirks, like my Remus did for me.”

Remus simpered and the audience cooed. 

“Silence! Draco, do you take Potter to be your husband?”

“I do.”

“Potter, do you take Draco?”

“I do.”

“Then kiss and leave me alone.”

And for once, everyone listened to Severus and then for all his troubles, threw uncooked rice and flower petals at him. 

“Damn.”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

17\. Midwifery

“Professor?”

“Hmm?” Severus hummed without looking up from marking his student’s essays. Stephanie Brown would get a ‘T’ again, he decided. 

“I don’t feel very well,” Harry whimpered. 

Severus jumped as though someone had electrocuted him. That was not a phrase that you wanted to hear from a man or woman who was nine months pregnant. 

“What is happening? Describe your symptoms, Potter,” Snape demanded. 

“My stomach hurts,” Harry said, grimacing with pain, “and the babies are moving around a lot, and- oh!” Harry gasped and looked down, where a puddle was forming steadily beneath him. 

Severus stared in horror as Potter’s amniotic fluid stained his rug. He’d have to burn the damn thing now. He’d actually liked the shag carpeting. 

“Professor!”

Right, Potter was in labor. 

“Relax, Potter. We just have to get you to St. Mungo’s-“

“Didn’t you read the paper?” Harry asked shrilly, “The hospital’s overcrowded! The Knight Bus crashed into the ice cream shoppe in Diagon Alley and they literally can’t take any more patients!”

Damn. Severus assessed the situation at lightning speed and came to a decision. 

“Remus!”

“Remus is out with Sirius,” Harry said. “They’re in Diagon Alley, looking for things for the nursery, and Draco’s with them!”

At this point, Severus used many words that he really ought not to have in front of a pregnant person. After he had calmed down, he formulated a new plan of action. He strode towards the fireplace, threw the floo powder in, and called for the Burrow. 

“Potter’s in labor!” He called. 

Instantly, there were several Weasleys and Granger spilling into Severus’ living room via the fireplace. “Harry!” Molly cried, and ran over to him. “Don’t you worry, I’ve assisted several male births. I know exactly what to do. You’re going to be just fine.”

Harry relaxed into Molly’s arms, and his confidence was further bolstered when Hermione began ordering everyone on how to set up a birthing chamber. Apparently, she’d read several books on it, and had taken a midwifery course as soon as she had heard that Harry was pregnant, because nothing was ever simple when he was involved. 

“We cant get through to Diagon Alley because the Knight Bus is blocking it off,” Ron informed them, “but don’t worry, mate. I’ve got you,” he said, taking Harry’s hands in his own. “Hermione made me attend something called an Amaze class-“

“Lamaze class, Ron-“ Ginny huffed. 

“-and they taught me loads of pregnancy shite. You’re a bloke, so we have to do a see-zair-ian-“

“Its cesarean, Ron-“

“The table’s set up, Harry,” Hermione bustled over, beaming. “You’re going to have your babies! Aren’t you excited?”

And really, Harry was excited. “Thank you all so much, guys,” Harry choked out, overwhelmed. Ron and Hermione helped Harry onto the table, and Molly instructed everyone who was unnecessary to the procedure to leave. Severus shot up and made for the door, but was stopped by Harry’s hand holding his.

“I’m scared,” Harry whispered fearfully, so only that Severus could hear. “Stay? Please?”

Severus looked at Harry’s wide, gleaming, emerald eyes and caved like a Hufflepuff cornered by a hamster. He stayed through the procedure, even after Harry was anesthetized, through Molly’s knowing, smug glances, and all the way till Lilian Annalise and Scorpius James Potter-Malfoy were delivered, wailing their collective lungs out, announcing their entry into the world. 

Remus, Sirius, and Draco found them an hour later, with a woozy Harry beaming dopily up at them, cradling his twins in either arm, and Severus trying to sterilize his bedroom. 

They had to anesthetize Sirius. 

Severus looked down at the two squalling infants, and studied the flesh-toned blobs. They had Potter’s darker skin tone, and looked to have Draco’s eyes. They were absolutely, undeniably, perfect, and Severus felt a pang at the memory of his little Eleanor having outgrown this stage so quickly. 

“They’re beautiful, Sev,” Remus whispered. 

“Quite,” Severus replied, prodding Scorpius or Lillian’s tummy. The baby flailed and caught hold of Severus’ finger in a death grip that reminded him painfully of Lily. “You have your grandmother’s grip strength,” Severus informed the baby. “She was uncommonly strong for someone of her tiny build.”

“Really?” Harry asked.

“You do not know the danger Lily Evans posed when not given chocolate during her periods,” Severus said. “She was a force of nature. A tiny ginger hurricane of PMS.”

“I think that’s Scorpius,” Remus observed, peering at the baby.

“Well, James had his moments too,” Sirius muttered.

“Grip strength’s definitely not from my father,” Draco chimed in, “he’s got arthritis. But you shan’t get bone health issues, will you, my gorgeous, perfect, wonderful children?”

Lillian burped wisely. 

“Thanks for staying with me, Professor,” Harry said, shattering Severus’ bad boy image. 

“You stayed with Harry through the surgery?” Remus asked, surprised. “Severus, you are just the sweetest.”

Severus panicked at losing his bad-boy-devil-may-care reputation. “Potter you useless bint!” He hissed. 

Harry was not paying attention, busy juggling his twins and smiling soppily down at them while Draco had his arm draped lovingly his tired husband. Severus felt his heart melt, and internally groaned. He was turning into a Hufflepuff, and it was all Potter’s fault. 

Although, he mused, as he allowed one of the twins to grab onto his finger, Hufflepuffs really were the happiest of the lot. Perhaps there really was something to being an overly optimistic ball of sunshine. 

Sirius chose that moment to jump onto the bed in dog form, and whacked Severus in the face with his tail. Severus snarled and pinched the offending appendage, sending the yelping dog to hide under the covers. 

Screw Hufflepuffs, Severus thought with savage pride, Slytherins knew where it was at.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

18\. Firsts

“Daddy,” Eleanor beamed up at Severus. “I made you something.”

Severus looked down from his morning newspaper to see his daughter handing him a drawing. He took it and studied the picture with the gravitas that it deserved. One of the flowers from the paper suddenly came to life and waved at him. 

Severus gaped in wonderment. Eleanor had done her first accidental magic!

“It is a masterpiece,” Severus said honestly, patting his daughter on the head proudly. “I shall keep it in my office and look at it when my student unfailingly depress me and make me question my role in life.”

Eleanor giggled and skipped away, presumably to the Potter-Malfoy-Black house to play with the twins. As soon as she had left, Severus rushed to find Remus. “Remus, Eleanor did her first accidental magic!” He boomed. 

Remus emerged from the study and smiled as the flower waved animatedly at him. “That’s sweet,” he muttered happily. “She got her talent from her daddy.”

“Clearly,” Severus preened. Just then, Eleanor returned, pushing the twins Lilian and Scorpius in their stroller. Draco followed behind her, looking comfortable in his loose fitting jumper and jeans, a far cry from his prim social attire. Severus frowned. “It’s Thursday. Go to work.”

“I’m rich,” Draco replied, “I don’t need to work, and yet, I am a successful stay-at-home father and part time fashion designer, caring for my children and planning my first runway show. Would you like to see my designs, Sev?”

“No,” Severus growled. He had had the misfortune of finding Draco’s sketchbook. His idea of fashion was little more than lingerie for men. 

“Never mind,” Draco shrugged, “you’ll see it soon enough. Remus ordered one of my designs for himself.”

Interesting, Severus mused, looking lustily at his husband, who shyly scampered away before Severus’ little snake could be aroused. Severus grinned like a shark, thinking of the many ways that he could tear Draco’s flimsily designed clothes off of his husband’s body. 

Delicious. 

“Blurp,” Scorpius said, spitting up his breakfast and ruining Severus’ fantasy. He looked immensely pleased at having rid himself of his excess food and ruining Severus’ mood. 

“Like father, like son,” Severus said, performing a quick cleaning charm on the baby’s clothes. 

“I need to select my models for the fashion show next week,” Draco said. “Would you mind terribly if I could leave Lily and Scorpius here for a bit?”

“Mind? Mind? Of course I mind. I am an extremely busy man who has to conduct incredibly important research-“

“Were you or were you not going to have weird old person sex with Remus just now?” Draco smirked. 

“First of all, how dare you, I am not even forty-five, and am supremely fit. Secondly, my research topic is of the utmost importance,” Severus said archly. 

”What’s the topic?”

“I am conducting research on the level of titillation produced by the sucking of the skin on one’s husband’s clavicle,” Severus said. “It’s supremely important work for me.”

“Gross,” Draco spat. “I’m leaving.”

“Don’t you- drat,” Severus said, as Draco disapparated, leaving a pair of squalling babies behind. Severus looked down at the twins and glared. 

“Daddy, I’ll help you take care of the babies,” Eleanor said helpfully. Severus graced his brilliant daughter with a rare smile before rounding on the infants.

“Listen well, Potter-Malfoys. Whilst you are in this house, there shall be no tomfoolery. I expect nothing but the best behavior from the pair of you. There shall be no senseless weeping, or wanton urination or defecation, and certainly no putting things in your mouths. You shall comport yourselves with the dignity- oh Helga’s hell,” Severus groaned as the stench of poo hit his nostrils.

After a lengthy clean up session, Eleanor engaged the twins in play, and Severus was able to observe from a distance and mentally heap praise on his wonderful, empathetic, daughter. “Our daughter,” he told Remus, “is the best child in Britain. And I firmly believe that it is because of your influence.”

“Oh, Sev,” Remus blushed.

“Eleanor, can you inform your papa that he is, in fact, the best?” Severus asked. 

Eleanor have a gap toothed grin and hugged Remus. “You’re the best, papa!”

That was an image that Severus would treasure forever. His two favorite people, content and safe and somehow, he had managed to fit into that dynamic, because these two brilliant people loved him too. 

Lilian chucked a toy at his head and giggled as it bounced off of his long nose. “How crass,” Severus said, levitating the toy back to the baby. “Perhaps you should spend more time with Eleanor and Remus and I, so that our sophistication and dignity will rub off on you.”

Lilian burbled happily and waved her hands. “Sev!”

The room fell silent. Severus felt his knees give way and he fell onto the sofa with a flop. Her first word, and it was...

“Sev!” Lilian said again, crawling determinedly towards him. Remus gasped as Lilian tugged on Severus’ robe.

“Oh I say,” Severus said weakly. “Well I never. By Jove. That is to say. How bizarre. I need to lie down,” he declared, and reclined on the sofa. 

Remus grinned and placed Lilian on Severus’ tummy, where she drummed her little hands. “Perhaps there is hope for you, young Lilian, with the excellent taste that you have demonstrated,” Severus said, steadying the baby with his hand. “And what do you have to say, young Scorpius?”

Scorpius looked thoughtful for a second, before saying, “Fuck!” He looked rather content at his contribution to the English language. 

“Clearly, this is Black’s influence,” Severus muttered, as Remus struggled not to laugh. Scorpius merely propelled himself forwards on his tush, looking very pleased with himself and repeating his first word with gusto. 

Remus burst out laughing and picked Scorpius up to hand him to Severus as well. Severus looked despairingly at the twins. “You are incredibly lucky that you have mine and Remus’ stabilizing presence in your lives. If you had been left in Black’s care, Merlin knows what would have become of you. He would have had you becoming hooligans before the age of ten.”

Remus chuckled and went back to work, leaving Severus with two infants and a toddler, even as he lectured them on proper behavior. They’d be just fine. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

19\. Vacations

Remus was brandishing a pair of shorts at his door looking husband and looking expectantly at him. “Sev, at least try them!”

“Absolutely not,” Severus replied. “I will wear clothes befitting an adult wizard, that is to say, robes.”

“You’ll wear robes at the beach,” Remus deadpanned.

“If need be.”

“Sev, we’re going to Barcelona,” Remus reminded him. “It’s going to be hot. Even the wizards there don’t wear robes!”

“Hmph.”

“Daddy, look at the dress that papa bought for me!” Eleanor skipped in, twirling in her little sun dress. “We can match!”

And that is how Severus Snape ended up wearing a pair of ruby red swim trunks. 

………………………………

“Darling.”

“Yes, Sev?”

“Do my eyes deceive me, or is that Potter in the hotel lobby?”

The Lupin-Snapes were stood outside of their hotel in Barcelona, having just apparated in, when Severus had spotted the telltale mess of Potter’s head bobbing around the lobby. Perhaps it is his long long twin, Severus thought hopefully, a twin who looks like him but is less annoying, perhaps defeated a Spanish Dark Lord-

“Hi! You guys finally made it!”

Mierda. 

“Potter, what in Merlin’s name are you doing here?”

Harry tilted his head questioningly. “This is a family vacation, isn’t it?”

Severus could feel amusement radiating off of his husband. “Of course it is, Harry,” Remus said. “Could you help us get Eleanor inside?” As soon as Harry had left with a bouncy Eleanor, Remus turned to Severus. “Not a word, honey.”

“But Potter-!”

“Harry and Draco are family, Sev.”

Family. Severus sighed. At least they hadn’t deigned to invite-

“Hola family!”

Black.

This was not going to be the restful vacation that Severus had envisioned. 

………………………………

The family had trooped down to the beach soon after settling down, and the children were tasked with helping Severus and Draco apply sunscreen. The effort was mostly from Eleanor, as Lilian and Scorpius had only just mastered the art of standing. 

“Mother would be horrified at all this sand,” Draco remarked lightly, settling in next to Severus. “Father would throw a fit about the sand getting in his hair.”

“Draco. I am trying to observe the my shirtless husband, who is currently soaking wet from the sea and looking like an absolute snack. I do not want to hear about your anemic, evil, father,” Severus snarled. 

“Oh, look, Harry’s gone shirtless too,” Draco remarked, lifting his sunglasses up. 

“Gah. Potter,” Severus spat, as a shirtless Harry introduced the children to the water. Stupid Potter ruining his view of his delicious Remus. At that moment, Sirius pranced up to the mat in his dog form, and proceeded to shake himself dry. 

Draco screamed and rolled away, laughing, while Severus lobbed a slipper at the mutt. “Away, you mangy cur,” Severus growled. Sirius ran off yelping, seeking refuge with Remus in the wet sand. Severus watched Sirius nose about Remus jovially, before stretching across his lap and demanding belly rubs.

Unacceptable, Severus thought viciously. Only he could get belly rubs from Remus.

“Draco, hold my potions book,” Severus said, rising.

“I’ve got your potions book, Sir, you go and fight for your man,” Draco said lazily, as Severus stalked over to the happy friends. Instead of being intimidated by Severus’ presence, Sirius only wagged his tail harder, and gave him a dog kiss. 

“Well, I never! I say! Egads! This is most undignified, Black!”

Then Sirius licked him.

Severus fell into the water.

Then, the various Potter-Malfoy-Snape children decided that it would be a smashing idea to join Severus in the water and pretend that he was the gigantic squid. Severus allowed himself to float in his despair, acting as a raft for the children. 

As holidays went, it wasn’t that bad.

……………………………………………………………………………

20\. Back to School

The new school year was starting up, and Severus was not about to live in a dank, mouldy, castle, away from his husband and child. 

If he went away, whatever would happen to Lilian and Scorpius? They would probably become vagabonds, being raised by Potter and Draco. Horrible, ne’er-do-well, one year old vagabonds. 

Eventually, he resorted to whining at Minerva, who was headmistress in all but name, into letting his entire family move into Hogwarts. 

“Severus, be reasonable. You could just floo home at the end of the week,” Minerva said. “The children would be incredibly bored, living at a school. And what about Remus? Does he want to move?”

“Floo travel makes me nauseous, my child is a paragon amongst children, and Remus hates it when I have to leave for work. As for the babes, they require my constant presence in order to counter the effects of living with Sirius Black.”

“And Harry? Draco?”

“Potter has applied to become the school nurse. Draco is a filthy rich layabout who sometimes designs scandalous clothing. Trust me, they’ll be fine.”

Eventually, Severus shoved his entire family (and Black) onto the Hogwarts Express, very pleased with himself. 

They were met on Hogsmeade station by Albus, who helped them with their luggage by carrying Scorpius by putting him in his beard. “It has been reinforced. I used conditioner on it to siren the texture for baby carrying,” he said as he wound Scorpius in his beard.

The feast was, as always, good, but made brilliant by the addition of his husband sitting beside him, and his toddling daughter on his lap. Apparently, Family Man Snape equated to Sweetheart Snape in the minds of the older year girls. 

“He’s so sweet,” they cooed as he passed, holding the babies. 

Black, in contrast, became the Brooding Bachelor Hunk Professor With A Heart Of Gold And An Arse That Won’t Quit. 

Remus took on the role of Please Tutor Us, We Are Hopelessly Lost. 

Harry became Nurse Potter, Who Cures Our Ailments And The Wizarding World Of Evil. 

Draco was That Guy Who Used To Be Evil, Why Is He Here Again.

Snape resolved to be extra cruel in his classes to restore his reputation. 

……………………………………………………………………

21\. Shadows from the Past

“Daddy, what’s a death eater?”

Snape flinched. He should have known that this day would come. 

“Ask your other father,” he said, pointing Eleanor towards Remus. 

“Sev!”

“Oh, alright,” Severus groaned, and placed his daughter on his lap. “Time for a story about daddy’s past failings.

“Once upon a time, there was an evil skinbag called Voldemort, who believed that muggleborns sohuldnt be allowed to be witches and wizards. He was so evil that he formed a gang and killed lots of muggleborns, and those who tried to defend them. The gang members were called death eaters.”

“Muggleborn?” Eleanor asked. “Like grandma Lupin?”

“Precisely,” Severus said. “Now, eventually, Potter-“

“Sev!”

“-er, your uncle Harry, that is, defeated Voldemort for good. That’s why he’s a hero.”

“But you said something about your personal failing, daddy.”

Severus looked down at his four year old daughter’s stoic and calm expression. “Er, yes. Quite,” he stuttered. “Well, when I was young, I was very misguided and I joined the death eaters. When Voldemort threatened my friend, Harry’s mummy, then I decided to leave and become a spy instead.”

“Oh,” Eleanor said, nodding. She subsided into deep thought, kicking her little feet. Severus felt his heart breaking with every passing second. He had dreaded this moment since his child was born, and now, he knew the horror of having his child reject him. What he would give to erase his past follies and-

“So you became a good guy?”

“What?” Severus was jerked out of his depressing thought spiral. “Oh, rather. Well, not good, per se, but...”

“You never went back to Mouldywart, or Volmedort-“

“Voldemort, and no. I had realized that he was a terrible person who would kill people like my best friend. And later, your papa as well.”

Eleanor gasped. “Who could hate papa?”

“Very stupid people,” Severus said sagely. “You know Lucius, right? That blonde man who sometimes hangs out in our fireplace and makes faces?”

“Oh, uncle Draco’s dad?”

“That one, right. Well, they’re very scared of werewolves, like your papa, and they don’t know better, so they want to get rid of them.”

“Imma kick the fireplace man next time I see him,” Eleanor promised. 

“To be fair, he doesn’t want to kill Remus anymore,” Severus said with amusement. 

“Still.”

“If you must,” Severus replied. 

“So you became a good guy, though, right?” Eleanor said, drawing Severus back into the story. 

“If you say so,” Severus said. “I started to work against Voldemort, and after a while, I fell in love with your papa, and then Black and you Uncle Harry moved in and wouldn’t leave. So we had to defeat Voldemort a second time, and this time, for good.”

“Yay!” Eleanor beamed. “But daddy, why do you look so sad?”

“Because I was a bad man who did bad things,” Severus said softly. 

“But then you became a good man who did good things,” Eleanor stressed. 

“The only truly good thing that I did was marrying your papa,” Severus said stoutly. Remus looked up from his work and smiled at Severus, who grimaced back at him. 

“Your father has a hard time coping with his past actions,” Remus said, walking over to pick Eleanor up. “He has a lot of regrets, and he needs time to come to terms with them. It’ll take a long time, but the one thing that’ll help is knowing that you and I are going to be there with him.”

Eleanor nodded. “We’re always gonna be there for daddy.”

Remus smiled and bent down to place a kiss on Severus’ temple. “Always.”

Severus allowed himself a small, heartfelt smile. The future had never looked brighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s all, folks! Hope you had fun with Sev and Remus. Come pop by my tumblr @kindaangelic


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